Cheating Becomes the Norm for Military Marriages?

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With the ever present news articles discussing the latest and alleged affairs conducted by military personnel, the buzz towards infidelity within the military community is becoming a hot topic. Recently FoxNews.com has posted an article that has caught the eye of many military spouses. Diana Falzone, a writer for FoxNews.com and advice columnist for Military.com, has written an article discussing the existence of a “deployment sex pact.” Asking, should military marriages have such an arrangement?

For one, as a spouse to an active duty deployed service member myself, I have never heard of such a pact. However, according to Falzone’s article,

“… for the military wife, cheating practically comes with the territory. And rather than ignore the lusty elephant in the room, some military couples have created their own defense against infidelity: the so-called deployment sex pact.” Read more here.

Apparently I have been out of the loop for some time now if this is the case. But as a general consensus, and from the writings over at SpouseBuzz on the topic, it is clear that as a whole most military spouses find a deployment sext pact absurd.

To set the record straight I would like to go ahead and speak on behalf of many of my friends and military spouses to say, that cheating does not practically come with the territory for a military wife. And as Falzone so boldly claims in her article, extramarital affairs do not become the norm. Infidelity is not limited to just military marriages. Yes, the absence of a loved one for several months at a time is difficult, and it tests one’s marriage to the core. But it is not inherently known that because of these prolonged separations infidelity is certain, and exclusive to military couples.

When I spoke my vows to my husband, who stood in front of me in his pristine dress blues, I knew there would be times in my marriage where he’d be deployed and I would be left alone. But never once did I think to myself that during those lonely times (times I am facing today) that I would need the comfort only my husband could provide me, from someone else. And vice versa for him.

I would, however, like to point out that in this article Falzone does not condone “deployment sex pacts” and gives honest advice to abandon the thought of such an agreement. Her writings there are honest and fair.  Of course, it is not up to me, or anyone else for that matter, to decide whether a deployment sex pact is wrong for another couple. Maybe that is the only way some couples know how to cope with the distance a deployment creates. Who are we to judge? But to presumptuously say that cheating comes with the territory when marrying someone dedicated to the service of their country, and that sexual agreements have to be set in place to withstand infidelity during a deployment for military marriages to succeed, is wholeheartedly unfair. This is where I have to take a stand as a spouse of someone who is currently deployed. I have always believed that my marriage, as well as the marriage of many of my military friends is strong because we can bear the distance. I do not want one article to strain that belief.

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Comments

  1. Well spoken.

    I am a baby mil spouse. I have dealt with the distance for a mere 9 months. But my husband and i have talked about the sad state of marital affairs in and out of the military, and we both agree, our marriage [our faith and belief] is bigger than this career. The sex is great, but the heart of our relationship is Love [Christ]. We live in a world where abstinence is unheard of…but for extramarital sex to be okay, we would have to lose the heart of our life together.

    We’ll take that abstinence.

  2. I call BS on this deployment pact… a load of codswallop! I’ve been a milspouse for decades – and infidelity is an issue for military and civilian marriages, neither more or less prevalent amongst us or civilians.

  3. Amber Vue says:

    My marriage is based on strong morals and deeper understanding of love, so never have we or would we either, but I've known others who have. It's really out there but more in a subculture sense and definitely not the norm.

  4. Two thoughts: one, I am convinced that those who make this bizarre “sex pact” are taking a defeatist attitude towards their marriage. They don’t have enough trust in each other’s character and faith in their spouses’ fidelity to even TRY to stay faithful? Last time I checked, when people get married, they take a VOW to be faithful to each other, no matter what. A vow is a solemn oath, and a person doesn’t break that oath when things get hard. (Then again, I suspect that our current culture really doesn’t understand the solemnity of vows & oaths in general anymore.)

    Two: Having read the original article, I have to wonder how prevalent this “sex pact” thing really is. My skeptic sense is pinging “sensationalized,” so while I don’t doubt such pacts exist, I have to wonder if they’re as widespread as the original article makes it sound. That being said, I do appreciate the article’s writer making a stand against such things.

    I hope I don’t sound cavalier with my comments, because honestly I do understand why spouses cheat. During my husband’s last deployment, I definitely was in a few situations where I realized, “If I don’t check myself and control my thoughts right NOW, then my feelings could start leading me to do something that I will regret.” So I think I understand how it happens–but that by no means makes it okay.

    Two cents in the jar for me.

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