Almost 30 and Childless: My Journey Through Infertility

Photo Credit: Google Images

Being almost 30 years old, sans kids, and a military spouse is not normal. Almost all the other military spouses I know have children. I am the minority. There are many 19 and 20 year olds that don’t have kids but our interests and priorities are usually a bit different.  It is a weird place to be. I don’t really know where I fit in. Have you ever found yourself in a room full of moms? Especially lots of new moms? It is downright depressing for the gal with a broken uterus.  They talk about diapers, teething and how they aren’t getting any sleep. I clearly have nothing to add as the only baby I have is a four legged fur baby, and we all know how well puppy & baby comparisons go.

I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome {PCOS}. I do not ovulate on my own. To say that my hormones are out of whack would be an understatement. We have tried 4 rounds of clomid, they all failed. We have been to more doctors’ appointments then I can count. I had a hysterosalpingogram {HSG} to check my fallopian tubes; they found a septum {wall} in my uterus. It isn’t a direct correlation to infertility but not treating it increases my odds of a miscarriage if I somehow manage to conceive a baby. So the reality is they have no idea why I can’t get pregnant.  

Having fertility issues makes certain things a bit more emotional. At the end of 2011 there was a 10 week span where 10 people I knew announced their pregnancies on Facebook. Watching people you know trying after you and somehow getting pregnant before you was heart wrenching.  You want to be happy for them and yet you are angry and sad. There were a few weeks where I avoided Facebook because I couldn’t stomach another announcement. I also couldn’t stomach some of the Facebook status update games where the post alluded to being pregnant. Those posts made me want to crawl in a hole. People think pretending they are pregnant is funny. It is funny, for those who don’t have to go to bed at night wondering why they cannot conceive a baby when they have longed to be a mommy for so many years.

Scott being in the Navy is added stress to the infertility equation.  We are getting ready to PCS sometime in the next few months. Where? We have no clue {that is an entirely different post!}. This makes dealing with certain things a bit more challenging.  It took me almost two years to find out that I need to have surgery to remove a fairly substantial septum {wall} in my uterus. It took me 5 referrals to unearth his discovery. Thus we feel it is pertinent to do the surgery before we PCS as to avoid the referral process again to find a new OB/GYN and fertility specialist just to have the surgery. We have about a 3-4 week window in June where we can do the surgery when Scott is home. It requires about a week recovery time.  Since I have had a similar surgery in the past I know that I need my husband to be home.

Should the surgery be successful and we find no other issues we can try a few rounds of clomid again.  Except for one small issue, Scott will be back at sea duty command, thus the idea of trying to plan any fertility treatments is a bit ambitious. I can’t really wrap my head around it all.  He will be in a new job and very likely will be working long hours as he will no longer just be a “worker” but instead the one in charge. I can’t even begin to think about the added stress fertility treatments will cause. Where does that leave me? I have no freaking clue.

I want to start a family more than anything in the world. I want to have teeny tiny feet in our house. I want the smell of baby lotion and diapers lingering in the air.  I long to see my husband snuggle with a little one after a day of work. I want to see my belly expand and feel a baby kick in my tummy. It kills me to think this might not be our destiny.

What if another try at clomid doesn’t work? What’s next? IVF is pricy and not covered under Tricare. I never thought I would have to pay tens of thousands of dollars just to try and have a baby. IVF isn’t a guarantee of pregnancy either.  Do we spend the money and hope for a baby that is created by Scott and me? Or do we spend the money to adopt a child that is longing to get the love we are longing to give? It is a question that haunts me daily.

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Comments

  1. Fellow military wife. I feel your pain. We had are first when I was 35. Four mour followed at 37, 39, 41 and 43. You are still young. Keep the faith.

  2. I cant delete…arg….’more’….I can spell…really.

  3. Hugs to you. Dealing with infertility is heartbreaking. I too avoided Facebook (even blocked people so I didn’t have to see the posts at all), stopped reading blogs where the write was pregnant…whatever I had to do to cope. I also know that NOTHING I say will make it any easier. Praying that you will be a BFP soon.

  4. Hugs my sweet, brave friend…your sweet honesty is heartbreaking and moving all at the same time. Xoxo

  5. I had no idea you were going through this. I’m sorry. It won’t lessen your pain but, know God has a plan. Hugs.

  6. Thank you for sharing. It must be really frustrating and you had to get 5 referrals to get any kind of answer??!! The medical system doesn’t make it any easier. Prayers for your and your husband.

  7. I know how you feel, I am in the same boat. The only difference is my husband is the one with the issue not me. Its really hard! I hate turning on FB as well because I feel like its constantly shoved in my face, not only from friends but family members too. I am tired of having to put on a happy face in front of people when they announce they are pregnant, when all I feel is my stomach in my chest. I am tired of having to explain to my family why we have been married so long and don’t have a child. I’m tired of hearing,”What you don’t want to have kids?”, “Can’t you just go to the doctor for that?”, “But you are so good with kids, they love you, why don’t you have one of your own?” Or my favorite, “Erin, I want to be a great grandmother before I die!” I don’t think people realize that sometimes its not so easy to get pregnant for some people now a days. Every time I hear one these questions I want to scream, YES I DO, I HAVE WANTED ONE SINCE I WAS 21! I want to experience that feeling too, I want to have a little mini me and my husband more then anything in the world. But I just say nicely yes I do, one day when its in the cards.

    Keep your head up! Know that you are not alone! If you ever want to vent, or need someone to listen please email me! Good luck on your surgery! Sending you some baby dust! :)

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